I'm watching the world around me in full devotion. Scenes passing me by one by one, while gazing out the car window. Just like the journey of our lives always moving from one place to the next. And if you choose to stand still for a moment, you too can watch the scenes of your life pass you by.
I realize this trip is a clearing for my soul. I love how you choose to do something for one reason, and as you begin your journey, the real reason appears.
There is something magical about driving. Something opens in me. There is a freedom that takes over. Perhaps a stepping away from routine and things that must be done. And instead allowing space for new creations. I notice my mind drifting like a river on a rainy day.
My eyes are making love with the scenery all around. A merging with and giving of self. No holding back. In this new found awareness and presence I begin to view this moment from a different seat. It's as if I added a wider lens, capturing the sky on a cloudless day.
And in this place I barely feel the tires on the road. Am I still driving? Have I ever been in the drivers seat, truly? Watching life through gods window brings out the true colors of you and I.
A view over the earth plane and beyond. This life is so big. Do you see it too? My life is so big. Can I allow myself to see it? This road, this journey, these gifts and this purpose. When viewing life from this place, all that is visible is truth. The truth as I wrote it long ago for this day.
Now not only do I see sceneries around me flash me by, I also begin to see images from my earlier life flashing before me. I see opportunities. I see grace everywhere and the touch of spirits hand in the making of my life.
I see things I take for granted. Big things.
Accomplishments that others may only dream of and never pursue because it's not their journey this time. Yet it is mine. And I need to own these incredible gifts. I created them.
I don't have to question who I am. I know.
I don't have to question why I lived the life I've led. I know.
I don't have to question where I'm going. I know.
I see the outline of my life with clarity. I understand.
I see how this section of my life, becoming a woman with an open heart, is bringing me so many discoveries. So many tears with every let go of a painful memory or person. I am becoming deeply intimate with each moment on this journey, towards the woman I am meant to be. So when I arrive at this point of wholeheartedness, deep vulnerability and trust. It is then when I get to guide the other women towards the beauty of their hearts. I know that is why this process is taking it sweet sweet time. I am becoming intimate with these teachings.
Is this truly my life? A life of experiencing, and feeling a broad spectrum of existences in one? So I get to relay the message?
Is this why I am alive? To experience, then share that message?
I'm sitting with a mixture of feelings, an overwhelming sense of joy and deep deep sadness. They both seem to co-exist in every moment of my day. The smallest thing can make me shed buckets full of tears. A beautiful sunset. A homeless man sitting on the sidewalk all alone.
To every women out there:
I understand you. I get you. I feel you. I see you.
Your pain. Your sadness. Your anger. Your conviction. Your fight for what is right.
I share this with you. I have walked in your shoes. I have seen through your eyes.
To stare death in the face. Die of a broken heart. Feeling alone. To fear for your life. To be abused and disrespected. To stand alone for what you believe. Feeling deeply confused. Feeling lost in this big vast world. To have no friends. To part ways with ones you love. To feel deep pain and sorrow. To give up and loose faith. To have to start over again. And again, and again. To say goodbye. Again, and again, and again.
And today the starting over is not so much on the outside, it's happening more on the inside. The saying goodbye happens less and less on the outside, and more on the inside.
So I am finally learning how to transmute karma internally so my external life doesn't constantly change and shift to keep up with the new me. I look forward to sharing this journey and teachings with you soon. It will be that moment, that will set me free from this question. The question that comes and haunts me every other dark night.
“Why me?”
“Why am I experiencing life walking through the shadow and the mystery?”
When you show up, I will know, it was all worth it.