Today as I'm sitting down looking over projects and opportunities for this year, a smile forms on my face. I pause for a moment to take that in. A breath filled with sweetness, rises and falls. I feel a change in the air. Something mystical has arrived. Or has always been. Just now with the openings happening in myself I am able to feel it's presence more.
The past two years was tough in regards to work and love. Meaning there was a big lack of. And I'm sure the fear around a lack-of created more of the 'nothing' in my life.
This is a great reference point for this shift I am feeling today. There is a shift happening, and I am sitting in the middle of it. Perhaps orchestrating it. The image that comes to mind is a big ocean ship starting it's engines and rudders. Slow and determined she begins to turn. And inside the bridge the big teakwood steering wheel spins clockwise, round and round.
The boat gently starts to sway side to side, creaking a little, yet determined and steadfast. Creating waves that bounces of the sides of the boat, rippling far far out till they vanish over the horizon. Slow motions, yet big, with a power that surpasses the every day action.
As I'm gazing towards the direction it's heading in, I find myself staring straight into the fire element, the bright sun nearing the horizon. Or is it the horizon nearing it? Birds flying across the sky creating cracks of black shadow in the sky. It reminds me of that titanic scene with Leo standing on the nose of the boat, arms spread wide, palms facing forward and tilted upwards. Fingers reaching all the way to the sides of the earth. Big belly laughs that ripples from deep within. Wind blowing through my hair. And a feeling of anticipation. As something wonderful is about the happen.
It's my time now.
This year has my name written all over it. More expansion. Self Love. With my feet firmly rooted on this earth plane. Toes wrapped around the earth wrapping my roots around hers. Standing steady yet gently moving with the turning of the earth.
I am supported. I am deeply supported. I find myself sinking deeper into this connection. A softening in my bones. I am not living above her anymore.
It's my time now. To harvest. To sow. To reap.
To allow all I've worked so hard for to be rewarded and handed back to me. I am so excited for this life. It has always been mine. It will always be mine. And mine alone. I know what's best for me.
Solitude.
A gift I worked hard for. A place I get to commune with spirit, with my creativity and where I get to feel the true essence of love I have within me.
And in this place I find myself opening and letting the fun it. It's not just a thought anymore. The 'pushing away' and the 'being closed of' to the world and it's people is gone. I left it on top of yesterdays sun, while setting in the west. I don't need the isolation anymore.
I have a tremendously deep love for my friends, and this community that I call my true family. I have fallin' in love with my life.
I have found joy in the present moment. Something I've been wanting for a very long time. And in this place I realized that I am not willing to give up anything for love. I love this life. I love LA. I love my family. I am here to stay. South Africa will always be there. SA was my deep longing because I was unhappy in myself, and blaming LA for it. I don't know what the future holds. I do know it will be filled with self love, equality, teaching, and deeply connected to self.
It is so interesting how we can have a desire or a longing for so long, just to wake up one day, and it being all gone. It means that longing or desire or want was not something from the heart, it was coming from a place of lack.
A place of lack inside myself, and with a hope that something outside can fill that. And today that longing is gone. I feel fulfilled, happy, and at peace. It's a very powerful place to sit in. There is nothing to attain, or do. I am full. There is just this moment. And oh, so sweet she feels.