Disbelief

People fascinate me. I wonder sometimes why people do what they do. Or treat others a certain way. So much of what we do is what we have been exposed to in our lives. How we treat the world, is a direct influence of our environment. The one we grew up in. 

I am a native South African living in Los Angeles for 15 years now, and I still have moments of disbelief. Interactions with people can leave me with a huge question mark and a frown on my forehead. A moment of jaw hanging open, and just nothing to say. And thinking to myself “did that just happen?’ “did he/she really just do that?” 

I am brought up with a certain group of morals, manners, and ‘things not to do’ to others. How NOT to treat your fellow man or woman. And then I would find myself in certain situations where I just can’t believe my ears, or eyes. Then of course I question my own set of values and wonder if I am the odd one out, or if my culture is just very different. 

And I would start hearing questions spiraling in my head like “How can anyone act in such a way and not see how disrespectful that is?” 

I would watch right after that interaction to see if there is any kind of remorse, or guilt, or uncomfortable behavior. And all I see is nothing. Nada. Just pure normality in their being. As if what they just did or said, had no ill implications or was totally fine. I think the fact that people can act in such a way, and act normal right after, unaware of how they acted, makes me question who I am. Am I the one missing something or not seeing clearly? I dunno…. 

Call me naive. Perhaps in this way I am. Or am I expecting too much of others? 

My wish is to surround myself with people who understand being human, the way I do. 

I am not in any judgement around this, more just slightly thrown off my track. It makes me want to study people more. I am a seeker of truth. I desire to see through all illusion, and see how people tick. And I know that my soul can’t understand another soul. So I will most probably get to the end of my quest all hugely disappointed and with a lack of clarity or understanding. 

What I can say though is that I am learning a lot about people, and interactions that goes beyond the usual work place. And I realize I do have a lot to learn. And then again. Perhaps I have less to learn, just need to extract myself out of certain circles, and areas, and drop myself into places that feel more like home. Is that possible? 

It also makes me realize why I love spending my time doing things that don’t involve human interaction. What do one do when one feel different? There are some beings that would GET very well what I am saying here. Others might judge. And those who judge, might be the ones vastly different than me. And those who get this, are perhaps the ones I am meant to spent some good quality time with. 

You get me?

Traveling Inward

It has been a while since I've sat down to write. It felt Ok to step away for a bit. I got distracted. With what? Life, I guess. 

I recently got back from a trip to Europe. My spiritual teacher took a group up there for a healing journey. I decided to join him and help him. As I was busy booking my flight, looking into different options to fly, a few options routed me through Amsterdam. One even gave me a 23 hour layover in Amsterdam. Normally one would delete that option really quickly. because who would want to sit in an airport for that long, waiting for a flight? "Perfect!" I thought to myself. I've always wanted to see Amsterdam. I will plan to stay a night there. And not only that, I will make sure to do the same on the way back. 

The idea kept spinning around in my head, and I felt stronger and stronger about the idea of spending some time there. I even looked up staying two nights. I ended up with a night stay there, and a night stay on my way back. 

During my stay and travels to Europe, I realized something big. I receive so much information through my travels. Something change. I change. Something inside shifts. It's like there are many treasures for me in this life. They are neatly placed all over the world, for me to go and find. Once I discover one, I can take it, and prosper from it. Information about who I truly am, underneath this body. Underneath the surface. 

Those parts get lost in the hustle of life, far away from my conscious awareness. 

Traveling brings me back to myself. I have nothing to distract myself with, and so my senses have free reign. They are taking me out of the part of my mind that stays stuck in the 'doing' and 'making a living' and it makes me receive what is around me. When I travel to a new place, I get mesmerized with my surroundings. It keeps my attention on whats present. The old buildings, the stone walls, the writings against the walls, the street signs, the foreign sounds from a different culture and language. The smells of food, other than what I am used to. 

And then I get awe struck looking at the artchitecture and landscape of the unique culture. 

Setting foot in Amsterdam, I knew I was home. I have never been there before. Well, not in this body anyhow. It was very familiar. The food, the people, and my surroundings. It just felt like I was home. I walked and walked and walked. I stared at buildings, people and the life around me. And then there were the canals. The waterways. Wow. So beautiful, and all the buildings against the water. It was like I was living inside a fairytale. Maybe I was. 

My trip took me through Verona and also Venice. Of course Venice just didn't seem real to me. It was so hard for my mind to believe that such a city actually exists. I have no words. Again I walked, and walked and walked, till I just could't walk anymore. And I would push through, and walk more. At one point, when I finally gave my body a bit of rest, sipping a delicious coffee, and eating a croissant. I knew, that traveling is something that is very necessary for my evolution as a human being. It is something I simply have to make space for, create the means for, and make happen, a few times a year. It is so deeply fulfilling  and enriching, that it reminds me, that for this reason alone, my life is worth it. To EXPERIENCE life in this way. To take myself out of what I know, and place myself into an environment I have never been to, and let my senses play. 

And as I FEEL all the information coming through my senses, I wake up, and realize that now I am alive. And as this occupy my awareness,  my mind stills. And so intuition seems to heighten. I feel like I am a child of the world. Not a city. Or a family. And so I need to go and see the world, the place I belong to. And share myself with it, as it shares itself with me. We teach each other things, by being present with one another. Just by making the choice to show up, to take the trip. To go on adventures. This way, we get to learn where we belong. And who we are. And which gifts sits dormant inside us. 

We have so much more to offer this world than what we know, from the level of the mind. And so to broaden our ability to see, to expand our ability to create, envision, we must go to places that elevate our way of envisioning. 

On my second stop back to Amsterdam, the night before I headed back to LA. I stood on a bridge, over looking a canal. Just simply staring at it. Taking in the colors, the buildings, the beauty of it, and seeing the history in it. I heard a question inside my head. "Why did I visit these cities, both with so much water in it?" Ah! And it hit me.... the waterways and the canals!! I have an intimate understanding around them. It is not the first time we're meeting. And in that moment, my whole body lid up with electricity. I felt like I was being electrocuted. Energy spiraling all over my body. And it confirmed to me that yes, I was in fact, in an area presently, I once called home. I once helped created, and help built. I had part of the creation of such a land,. and of such a waterway. 

Wow. I stood there for a while still, waiting for the energetic pulses to slow down in my body, and then I turned, and made my way back to my hotel. I found myself deep inside myself. Like the sounds and life around me was very far away. I was a little in shock. Trying to process what just happened. And I understood in that moment why it felt so vastly important for me to visit Amsterdam. Of course my visit there wasn't long enough. It was just a little tease. And I desperately wanted more.

Early the next morning, my walk to the train station was slow. Reluctant. I just didn't want to go. I felt sad. Can it be that I was feeling SAD? Sad to leave a city that I only saw for two days? A city, not a person, or friends, or any of that. But merely a city. Fascinating I thought. I knew walking to the station, that there is just so much more information there for me. And for now, it will have to wait. 

And that is a hard one for me. This patience thing. I am not big on it. 

Now home for a couple of weeks. I have read up more about this city. And the more I read the more I want to know. The more I am creating space for us to reconnect again soon. 

Life is just so mysterious. There is magic around each corner. Interactions with strangers, that might not be strange, but familiar in fact. A bench or a park or a street, might be a place you've left many footprints in some part of your existence. Places around the world are most definitely holy for me in that way. 

I came back with a new energy inside myself. I gift from the trip for sure. Something inside that was always there, just hidden. And so i thirst to bring light to more parts of me that are hidden. i can't wait to know more feel more and experience more. To expand bigger and bigger. To claim more and more of what has always been. Just not always so present when the mind is running the show. 

So here is to many more of these incredible doorways that I will walk through. Portals that'll take me deeper into myself. Life is full of mystery. and i am ready to jump into the dark and claim more of it.

Anyone care to join me? 

Love Mystery Revealed

I had another great write yesterday, and just as I was about to go teach, information started flooding in. It was hard to pull myself away from it, especially having so much coming through. Now finally 24 hours later I'm able to satisfy my heart by finishing this chapter.

As I was sitting and writing yesterday, something came through, a question.

I heard. “What was this part of your journey showing you?”

“Once you walk through all the karmic debts and residue hurts, and things left forgotten, you will arrive at this new place. A place where you'll be free from the karma, and you'll be able to see what it was trying to teach you. And this will be a gift onto you, to then take and apply in all your relations around the world. As they'll be different from now on. There will be a deeper understanding of connection, and you'll respond from a higher place of wisdom and knowing.”

I'm busy writing about my first big love that I had at age 20. To go back even further, I grew up with a lack of connection and love in my life. Love was there, but I didn't feel it. I didn't open to receive it. I came into the world, unexpectedly, seven years after my brother. Since birth I had walked a path of solitude. It was just me on this long dusty road. So when this man walked into my life, I experienced something I've never experienced before. This meet brought up feelings and emotions I've never felt before. I didn't know what it was, where it came from, and what to do with it. What I did know was, it felt magical. And I tighten my grip around it, because I never wanted to let it go.

What I am discovering and seeing now, is that he mirrored something back to me that I already had inside myself. And now I know looking back at this experience, it tried to show me that then. That I know the true energy of love. It lives inside of me.

No one can create a feeling inside another person. It's humanly impossible!

We only feel, what we are! We can only feel what we are. We can only FEEL WHAT WE ARE!!!!

We can't feel what we are NOT.

And, no one can make me feel. PERIOD!

I, alone, can make myself feel. And what I was feeling, was coming from inside.

Yes, he inspired it. He ignited it. He reminded. He taught. He mirrored.

I felt it. Why? Because of my capacity to know love and recognize the energy of love, inside myself.

I didn't know this, then. Because I've never felt this before, and with the presence of this man in my life, I felt it. And so I immediately assumed that HE made me feel this GREAT. It simply can't be ME! I can't create such bliss alone... or can I?

I held him responsible for keeping me feel this great. LOVED. “Love me!” Keep making me feel this good!

And then, years later, I'm finally waking up to this realization that he was not, can not, and will never be responsible for such a thing.

I AM. I alone. I have always been, unknowingly. I made myself feel this GREAT, then. How amazing to know I have that capacity for feeling love, now, then, and anytime I choose to allow myself to feel it! Didn't see it then. Doh!

I repeat...Its humanly impossible to give someone a FEELING. No one can give me a feeling. I alone can give myself a feeling. So amazing that when we have an experience in life, and whomever we have it with, we associate that feeling with them. And we think “he GAVE me that.” I am amused at my life. Thank you. Keep em coming life... 

A World Coming Undone

We live in such interesting times at the moment. I look around and see so much suffering, so much pain, and people reacting in strange ways because of it. And as I sit with this image in my mind, I can't help but wonder. Is it truly life that's creating so much suffering? Or can it be that our resistance to living can cause most the suffering?

The war that's going on. Hostage situations. The anger people dump on others, the outrage, the volatility, the violence, the brutality... It's not exactly helping humanity feeling more peaceful in themselves! Are we meant to experience this first before we can find a place of peace within? Or are we aimlessly drifting into the opposite direction as what we are supposed to experience and reside in?

People have lost their minds, and their ability to contain a sense of hope inside themselves. And it's just so sad to watch how they choose to bring others into their own suffering. Causing innocent lives to carry and experience the pain and loss they feel inside, by dumping all their toxic shit onto them. The intensity inside themselves gets overwhelming, and without the necessary tools to release it, they go sideways, and make some very poor choices. Purging it on innocent lives.

We all know it's just a desperate cry for love. But when is this going to stop?

What can we do? Can it be that our resistance to living can cause most the suffering?

Our resistance to living with open hearts?

How would life look differently? Would it look differently? Is it possible? Or is this just another cliché saying?

I have to constantly remind myself that what I see, and perceive in the world and in others, aren't always as it seems. Through it I am able to release whatever falsities I have in my ego-mind. So I can continue to see and perceive life with more clarity, or otherwise I might go crazy too!

I feel living with an open heart is the only way. How do one do it, when there is so much destruction going on? How would it be if we can stay open in the face of fear, and stop retrieving? Is it possible? What would it take?

I know for myself the only way to stay sane, and have open-hearted moments, is to stop REACTING from past hurts, and start RESPONDING to life instead. This takes a lot of undoing. This takes making lots of mistakes. This, a dance from an old way of being, to a new way of being. Back and forth.

Is it possible to elevate our consciousness so we simply just don't feel the fear?

Or perhaps elevate ourselves above our own limitations, or limiting beliefs? I would love to believe so. And I will continue working towards this goal. Can we continue to love those around us who are unable to stay open in this way? Most importantly ourselves? It is either that, or we get swept up into their fears, and their fears become ours. Which is it going to be? 

Being a Student of Life

I wrote this piece for Blue Osa Retreats in Costa Rica in 2014:

Today I am contemplating what it means to be a student. I've been teaching yoga for about ten years now, and I still feel I know very little. I feel so blessed to have chosen a career that continues to bring me the gift of growth and transformation. It's a never-ending always growing, and an always learning experience. For the most part I've always seen myself on this journey, clothed in the fabric of being a student. No matter how long I've taught. This way, as teachers or humans on this planet, we are open. We are open to receive. To receive more and more of what life has to offer, more lessons, discoveries, wisdom, and intuition.

Yes, there are days where my ego runs the show, and I would sit in a circle with my spiritual teacher, assisting him. A class I've taken at least 12 times in the past three years. And I would find myself sitting in resistance, showing up reluctantly. I'm there physically, but my energy is somewhere else. “What else can this man teach me about this class,” I would ask myself.

As you know, each experience is uniquely and different. Just like each yoga pose. Every downdog is new. YOU are new and different every day, so your relationship with this pose is difference each time. You're receiving it differently. Your body and breath is different day in and day out. Each new breath creates a unique never before experience, if you allow yourself to quiet and notice it. So even when we repeat things in life, you must ask yourself, are you truly repeating? From the outside things might look the same, and on the inside it is profoundly different.

Inquire within yourself! Study yourself. Your energy! Watch. Notice. Feel.

So I've learnt, showing up in lots of resistance, keeps the heart closed, blocking anything from coming in. We must believe that the work we are doing, studying, and receiving... is going to heal us, educate us, and enhance our lives, otherwise it won't! It's that simple. For all the times I sat in that circle, closed of, I didn't fully exchange with the content of that training. And so the healing I received was about 50% of the 100% available to me. There is always a constant flow of energy, wisdom and healing flowing towards us. Are you willing to open to it?

Are you willing to remember you are a student, and can be open to more information flowing your way?

The past few months has brought on a big shift for myself in how I feel on the inside. I went from being a teacher, feeling strong, sitting in the space of authority, to feeling a lot smaller. Having a desire to take a backseat and be a student is strong again. A student in the sense of how I felt when I taught my first class, this eight years ago. That age old anxiety, of feeling small is back. It's an interesting thing as I know I am too big to be small. LOL. And so I must simply learn to stand tall in the space of being the teacher I am, while having feelings of insecurity and vulnerability.

I have to permit myself to have both these energies residing inside me. And remember this simple truth. Life is meant to be experienced. Not perfected. We are never going to arrive at a place where we are completely whole, perfect, or have all the answers.

I learn. I teach. I heal. I teach. I study. I teach. I grow. I teach.

It's a never ending circle, that spins us round and round. We are up, then we are down, up, down...

So perhaps we can give our minds less space to judge our evolution as a teacher, and allow our hearts to stay open, even in the face of these inner judgements. Just love the hell out of the judgements. I feel honored to call myself a teacher, and I'll give myself the title of being a student of life.  

A gain through loss

Gazing out the window today, staring straight into the sun. It is warm outside, but it is cold inside my heart. Can it be that he is gone? One day you walk along side each other, laughing, hiking in the desert, walking til it's dark out. Lying down on the rocks, staring at the stars above, counting our blessings with each shooting star. Open hearted, vulnerable and intimate expressions through the energy we openly share. No words necessary. I watch as he pulls out his guitar and take us on a journey with his song. Words and sounds taking us into the depths of his heart and beyond, as it touches ours. Sounds fill the air speaking of love, light and promise. A boy with a whole life ahead of him, excited to be all he can be. An inspiration for most. A teacher for many, a gifted healer and artist, and above all, a true true friend with an unwavering purity in his heart.

And then all of a sudden, you find yourself left behind, alone on this path made for more than one. Looking back I see many footprints, including his, playfully treading everywhere. And today gazing down, I only see my own. This, a path that a community of open hearted people paved, and continue to walk on together, year in and year out. A community built with a stable foundation, and a mission to balance our lives within the power of love. A community who practice showing up with full commitment for this life, sharing a vision for a peaceful world. A community of artists, rebels, teachers, healers messengers and guides. People that walk through life, off the paved road. We don't truly fit into society like most do. And, in this community we embrace our uniqueness, knowing that we're the creators of a new world. We don't follow. We create. We revolutionize. We out-create and liberate ourselves from our past hurts through the creation of our song, our dance, our poem, and every act of free expression we permit ourselves to share.

To walk a journey in this way, with thousands of people by your side, you grow together intimately. You become a deeper level of friendship, year in and year out. This, a family of your choosing. A place where we keep our hearts open, and permit ourselves the gift of feeling alive. We are sensitive. We are powerful within our sensitivity, and our openness. We know it is the only way to live.

And to then sit on this day with our open hearts, feeling the painful loss and emptiness inside, is just such a heaviness to experience. I know he is in a good place. Can I still be angry? Can I still be selfish and desire to spend more time with him? Can I ask “WHY?” “Too young!!!!” I want to scream. “Why???” I want to scream. I know this is an experience I am meant to walk through. He still is the teacher he used to be in this way. I am meant to learn from you still my friend, a student I am, forever in your honor. This pain in my heart is strong, and the tears just don't seem to wanna dry up.

I know his departure is not so much about him leaving. As it's more about the feelings it bring up in all of us now been left behind.

What is inside this pain? Love I realize. Innocent love lost. And not only that, I am also seeing and feeling the love of this community deeper than ever before. How fucking incredible to feel so much love right in this moment! And not only that, it brought us all together uniting from Europe to USA to South America. The world stood still in his honor yesterday. And it brought all of us together, sitting shoulder to shoulder, in a circle with no beginning and no end, just like you my friend. There will be no end in your existence. You live forever on. Thank you for reminding me that I do know the energy of love. That I am love. That I am deeply loved and connected by so many in the same way. You my friend, has given me so much. And in your honor, I will truly reach through all the shit, the fear, the illusions I get lost in sometimes, and grab each day, and live it, to the best of my ability. As I am alive. Here and now. And I know it is what you would want for me, and it is the least I can do for you, in return for what you have done for me. Be well. In love and memory. Till we meet again. Love remains. Love is the only thing that is real. And through it, you shall always remain. 

Into the Big I AM

I had some writing time today, and sat with the title of my book. “Into the BIG I AM” … and asked myself this question. “What does it mean to be a grown up version of myself?” I don't feel a day older than when I was 10. And quite frankly, I even look the same too! Haha. Have I stopped growing? Or evolving? Am I truly any different? I know we get wiser as we age. Or so they say.

I looked over some letters I wrote, gosh, probably a good 20 years ago (blush)... and saw the same longing, the same curiosity, and the same questions, that still seem to be around today. Interesting, I though to myself. I decided to walk down to Venice, sat in a coffee shop, and do as I've been guided to do. To write! The need to write has been tugging on my heart for a few weeks now.

So much has happened for me in December that shifted my life into something other than the familiar, and I am still in the process of processing it. Or perhaps only now, giving it my full attention. I've been walking around with undigested experiences, and things left hanging over my head, while I was giving work, family and other pressing things all my attention. Finally now, in the last couple of days, I've been able to find ground under my feet again. Ah, yes. I am beginning to arrive back in LA. This energetically I mean. I have been back for a few days already. So much has happened in December that has shifted my reality, and it felt easier to put it aside for the time being, till I could find some quality time to process it through my writing.

It's hard to explain, but now, when I look around, seeing everything around me, it's all still exactly the same. Yet, everything is different.

I am different.

And this because I have met people that created a permanent shift inside myself. Real special people, perhaps friends from another time and place. A reminder of more than just the obvious. I visited places, that gave me new inspirations for this year. And most importantly, reminded me of what is most important in my life. And I believe that this year is the year to get it right. What do I mean with that? To give the things and people in my life, that carry most value, most of my time. And things that are of lesser importance, will have to take the backseat. As much as I've been pursuing this wish for quite some time. I feel the end of last year, has given me enough to work with, to establish this incredible new rhythm for myself. This year greeted me with prosperity, a tropical vacation, strong family bonds, and new (yet familiar) friends, that are adding to my life, and lets not forget a new heart!!

Yes. I have been shedding layers and layers of hurt, watching it poring out of my heart. This started beginning of December, and seemed to have picked up momentum with each day. It's like my heart is being broken open, and all that was stuck is now poring out and through me. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by Rumi. “You have to keep breaking your heart, till it opens.” She is surely opening!!!

And all the heartache is now been giving a moment in the spotlight, so it can be free. This life is all about balancing extreme opposites on so many levels. I watch myself swinging from the North pole to the South pole. Sometimes all in one day.

Ah, and then there are these days, moments, and weeks, where there's this sense of BALANCE. Perfection! It's like all is standing still, even when all is moving around me. Like I've made my way to the center of the tornado. The eye. And in this powerful place, I sit. I watch. And most of all I KNOW.

I just know. I feel so alive. I exist. A place I have always wanted to arrive at. Even though I have always been there. I'm beginning to experience it on a deeper-knowing-level, this, inside myself, without the swinging action from North to South, searching for it, or forgetting and remembering it.

And so continue my journey onwards... into the BIG I AM.

Thank you for being a witness. I love you so.  

Happy New Year!

I'm sitting in a cozy coffee shop in Big Bear. Wrapped up in a scarf and sipping steaming hot coffee. It's a beautiful day outside.

My month has been jam packed with travel, meeting new friends, and discovering yet an even deeper connection with my mom. She flew out to LA to spend the holidays with me. I definitely got my sense of adventure from her. She definitely still has it! 

It's a few days before the end of the year and I'm sitting, allowing my mind to drift back in time. This year has made me walk through some of the toughest times of my life, I must admit. And it's easier to recognize now, while on the up and up again. You know how it is. When you're knee deep in the mud, and put one foot in front of the other, you don't always see the depth of mud you're standing in. You just keep a one pointed focus on the next step, as it's pretty much as much as you can handle. 

The interesting thing is that this particular experience has brought me more gifts than I've probably received in most my life. And so I'm living proof that the tough times seem to strengthen you, empower you, and ad to your life, ten fold. Seeing what's been gained here in the now, all the tangible shifts, makes me realize that I'll do it again and again, and yes, again! It was all so worth it. 

Every year is different, as we all know. But this one had a different flavor to it. 

For me, It's the end of a cycle, the last push through the birth canal to something else.  Who knows what?! And this last push, this month of December, has most definitely been the strongest. It sped up for me, and the intensity is still palpating through me. Like I turned around the last corner of the race and now I'm on the last sprint home. Coming home after enduring a long hard race. I can see the finish line, with no one in sight. Am I ahead of the game? Or perhaps a race against my old self? Or against my fearful mind? Or maybe it's not a race at all... Just a stroll in the woods and my mind makes it feel like a race for life or death... 

Which is it? Does it matter, mind? 

Maybe this can be my biggest intention for this year ahead. 

Stop trying to get to 'the knowing' - letting go of the need to KNOW or understand. The thing is, I'll know once I stop trying to figure it out. 

Ironic isn't it? 

I'd rather bathe in the beautiful feelings life shares with me. Experiences that took place that elevate my consciousness, people I met that left me changed, and places I saw that filled me up. 

Each moment has the potential to bring that. 

If I choose to see it! 

And the seeing happens when the mind stops trying to reach the destination of 'knowing' 

Ah, and then there's this day. Here you are. Watching me as I'm inside of you. You are beautiful. This is all that is truly real and tangible. And of course, how I feel. And I feel great inside. My year is ending on a GREAT note. 

And so on that note,  I wish you all a very happy and magical new year. Thank you for being in my life. xo m 

Pain is a great teacher

What is one to do other than contemplate life, and becoming deeply intimate with self, when lying on your back for over two weeks? And not being able to move much. A back injury now so severe, it placed me on my back. Literally. I am in need of support. I have no choice but to place my life in others hands, for support, love, and help. I simply must open and receive. What an incredible gift being forced onto me!

It's been an interesting time for me. As I lie here, with nothing to distract myself with, I have no choice but delve deep inside this pain. Instead of thinking I know what it is, I had to go find a deeper aspect of it, than what my mind came up with. After some time here in the quiet, I eventually found a still point, and in this place, I began to converse with the pain. I didn't realize I was actually going to get some concrete answers back, but I thought I'd give it a shot. And I did!

Then as the next day roll in, I'd somehow find myself in this same still point again. And something would nudge me to stop 'doing/thinking' and listen again. And then I would discover another layer underneath the previous one that needed to express itself! More and more of those day in and day out.

And so I've been in deep meditation, writing, being with my nervous system, my pain body, my heart, my thoughts, my breath, the sounds outside my place, and my soul. As I finally stopped the 'doing' I was able to delve deeper and go find the roots/cause of the pain. And let me tell you. Never in my life have I experienced such pain. Now this pain came UP to heal. So it has in a way always been there. Now finally given a voice to express itself, so it and I can be free! Isn't it amazing to think I am ready to deal with this now, and set it free? The time has arrived for us to part ways! I have been dealing with this for a good year now. Well, probably much longer...And this is the final push through the birth canal.

One realization after another, layer after layer, as I'm dropping my so called 'control' on my life. And allow myself to be supported in the darkness, and the mystery of it all. The spaces of birth/death. The unknown. A dying of an old way and birth of a new being. That is I guess the gift in such severe pain. It paralyzes you, so you have no choice but stop 'doing' and listen. I know this is a death that is taking bits and pieces of me. Consuming parts of me that is not meant to continue on with me in this life. There is a birth about to happen in the spaces that is now becoming empty. And I am mourning parts of myself that's dying, or I can choose to focus on the parts that are about to birth in this new open spaces. The parts of myself I have been asking for. So what do I choose? Where do I want to keep my focus? On what was, and what is dying of, or on what is about to flow in, that has always been my answer, for what I've been searching for.

It seems obvious if one looks at it from this view point. But as humans we can't help but miss the familiar, even when those parts of our existences has caused us most pain. We still tend to grip tight on what we know. Please don't leave! Aren't you here to protect or serve me in some way? Then again, has it ever? The false belief that tells us that it will keep us safe, that we can hide under, has in fact done just the opposite for us!

Then as we wake up, we begin to flow with the truest part of our lives, a part of our existence that has our best interest at heart, now and always. And as trust filters in more, you begin to see the rainbow, and the light filtering from everywhere and the blessings flowing in, ready to be received by you. Where have you been all my life? “here” it would respond. Sadly, unnoticed by us, as we were too busy to keep our focus on what is missing, or leaving our path, than the beauty and love that keeps knocking on our hearts.

I was grinning to myself a couple of days ago... Really?! Am I THIS stubborn? That it had to take THIS much pain for me to STOP and LISTEN! It takes a lot to bring me down. I do like to put up a fight. lol.. And now I'm putting down the swords. I am done fighting. I am LOVING it to death instead. That feels a lot sweeter, doesn't it?

I am deep in my heart and see this whole thing as a blessing. It's like I finally GET it. It's definitely showing me what I'm made of, it tested me, it pushed me to my limits and beyond. And now beginning to see the light on the other side, I can say it brought empowerment. It has slowed down my pace, to one that I am meant to walk from now on. This a new way of being. The old is just not serving me anymore. A new rhythm. One filled with the feminine qualities, bringing more trust, intuition and surrendering to the journey. One that follows her own heartbeat, and not the ego driven rhythm of the world. This means to trust more than ever before. To live in a place of mystery. The place of continual birth. Birthing out of a place of the unknown. I will continue dropping deeper into this place, knowing I am not alone. I am supported and guided every step of the way. The path will be under me as I step into the darkness.

I've learnt so much about myself, my past, my lineage, and also what's about to birth in this new open space that's being created!!! I see it clearly. I understand it. I intended something big over the full moon a couple of weeks ago, and so this is showing me, someone is listening, cos things are moving! Quickly. It's already happening. I can feel the new energy already penetrating my existence.

I guess all I've learned on my spiritual journey is not put to the test, to see if all this wisdom I share with others, can actually be used in practicality. I will continue sharing my process with you all. Thanks for giving me the space to share this in open and vulnerable exposures. Endless love. Xoxo

Home has found me

I have longed for a deep connection with myself for as long I can remember.

I have walked a full circle, and now arriving back at the beginning. It is a strangely familiar feeling, and I keep trying to figure it out mentally. My experience I have with life today is so very different, than just a month ago and before. It's like I have been on this road before, and I can see my own footprints underneath this new soil. New soil now covered in the new times we are creating for ourselves. I have arrived at the entrance way of my own soul, and hanging above me is a big sign that reads 'HOME'. I see a road ahead, and carefully placing one foot in front of the other. Anticipating an endless supply of fulfilling existence ahead. “It is about time,” I thought to myself.

I was HOME for just a brief moment in my life. Perhaps for as little as six months. Right after my birth, I was already walking away from it. A journey my soul needed to take. I was too young to rebel against it. A tool I have used many times before, when I would try and resist life flowing me in a certain direction.

I have been traveling along this dusty road, on my way somewhere. For most the time that I've been on this road my eyes were on the road behind me. I so longed to be HOME. I barely experienced home, yet, it left an imprint strong enough to never forget, no matter how far away I would walk from it. It's like I heard whispers from it day in and day out. It's been calling me back from the moment I set foot away from it.

It was very hard for me to keep my eyes on the road in front of me, because I knew that the road ahead will be filled with experiences I might not like, and experiences that might make me forget about HOME, or the sense that I BELONG somewhere. My resistance has always been strong, and it makes sense to me now. I don't know if I'd truly ever wanted a life of solitude. I have always been alone. Is that truly a choosing of my conscious mind? I don't think anyone in their right mind would want that. Everybody longs for connection. I have done this thing called life, all by myself. In the face of connections and people around me. There has always something that set me apart from life and its people.

It's like having my foot on the gas petal and at the same time having my hand on the emergency break. If I were to look out ahead on this road, I'd see no signs of HOME. But when I would look back, it's like I could still see it. Even if not physically. It felt a shorter distance backwards than forwards.

And then one day, along this dirt road, it hit me. If I keep looking back, I am slowing down my pace and I am prolonging my journey back to it. And because I am not going backwards, but heading forwards, it meant that HOME is in fact ahead of me. The more I walk this path ahead of me, the sooner I will find HOME again. The more I look back at what once was called HOME, it will take longer to re-unite with it again.

What made me walk away from it? Obviously not my conscious mind. Someone had a bigger plan for me. And I had to obey. I have been away from it for so long, that I forgot the essence of it. Even though my pursuit has always been that. To discover my place in this big big world. A place I can call home. And throughout my travels, and searching, I have forgotten what I was searching for. I lost myself in the ego pursuits of this world. I know I was searching for something. Yet my searches has changed into empty pursuits, that would when I found what I though I was looking for, would give me temporary satisfaction, and then would leave me empty again. As if I get dumped back at the start of my search for HOME again.

And so about a month ago, I stepped onto a new platform. A place I have never been before. And the familiarity of this place is hypnotic. It has transported me into an energy I could dwell in forever. “I have been here before,” I thought to myself. And the scenery is just so unique that there is no way I have ever been here before. This confusion has left me with a big question mark over my life. What is this familiar feeling, in a space I have yet to discover? This newness feels like a re-uniting with self in a way I have never experienced before.

It's like a part of my being stayed behind at the place I originally called HOME, and a month ago, I took a step forward and stepped straight into that part of myself. Merging with the one I have been looking for, which feels like forever, yet just a glimpse in time, when measured in the eternity of existence.

And now in this new-ancient place... I am re-discovering the soul that I am. The gifts that I am. The purpose that I am. The light that I radiate. The love that I embody. The wisdom that I have earned. The strength and conviction I live and move from. The ability to see life for what it truly is. The intuition that I seem to have always had, now trusting it more.

And remembering the child that never had her time under the Sun. She is now tugging on my sleeve, asking me if it's ok to go build castles in the sun. To chase the waves as they're breaking on the deserted beach. To sing along to the birds song above in the trees. To fill her day with music and color. To talk to the moon. To run to the horizon and back. To chase butterflies in the meadows. To go sit under the rainbow and talk to the animals.

A shedding of skin, one layer of illusion after another, is what's happening under the surface. Re-claiming the child that could never be silenced by life. She is claiming her right to be here now. And opening gift after gift, day in and day out, of all the unique qualities that she was born with. Now bringing them up to the conscious mind. This unfolding is happening organically. An eternal journey, walking a full circle, remembering the innocence and purity of heart.

I see a fulfilling and meaningful life filled with connections, before me, in the empty spaces I am stepping into. Who knows what I might find. Or should I say, who knows what else I might discover about myself.

A life now turning upside down, and leaving behind the old story that life is meant to be lived alone. Connections are filtering in from all around, as I have found my connection with self. Ones that are equal to the soul that I am. A sharing of powerful soul connections. Brothers, sisters, friends, and lovers from older lives. I see more and more of them filtering in. Thank you for reminding me of parts of myself that used to be dormant. Each moment I get to connect with you again in this life, I'm seeing myself in a new light. I am at awe, seeing myself in each one of you.

It leaves a smile, that lingers. A heart now filled to the brim. A feeling of satisfaction. HOME has come to me. Even though I have been walking towards it. It has also come to meet me. Just at the right time. Now all that's needed is to sit back, relax, and watch it unfolds in perfect harmony. And I'm choosing to be in a space of open arms, and open hands. And I keep asking my mind to surrender whenever it still wants to understand everything, or wants to push its will onto life.

It's happening. It's all around me, and this because its inside of me. An overflowing from the inside, attracting that which I am, reminding me of the unconscious parts of my soul, the true I am. A deep love connection with self, will usher in that from the outside. A deeper understanding of my purpose. And a new playground to remind myself of the importance of enjoyment. A life written in ancient times. A HOME now discovered through an entrance way I know intimately. Who knows where this path will lead me... My guess is into some of the deepest layers of my soul, I have yet to discover. So deep, that, perhaps no lifetime has given me that privilege. I am ready. Let the horn blows for the start of this new adventure, re-aligning me with the true spirit that I am.