surrender or loose

It has been a while since I've written anything and my desire to write is strong. I realize the thing I resist most is the thing that will bring me most joy, and enhance my life. So what makes it so hard then to proceed? Is it doubt? Is it my ego that desires to keep me busy with unfulfilling things? Is it the knowing that I might stumble upon things hidden, that who knows, might cause pain once I bring it back up into my consciousness?

The life under the conscious life intrigues me. And I know I spend many hours there, yet the memories and discoveries of it stays hidden as my mind is just too occupied with DOING life.

Its been exactly five weeks since I've driven a car, taught a yoga class, and doing the usual things I do during my day. If somebody would've told me I’d be away from life outside this head of mine for five weeks when this started, well, I would've simply replied with a rude remark of control and say NO way will i ever do that! This will be a quick fix. I will think myself healthy. Well so I thought anyway…

And so my forceful ‘will’ has learnt that it can’t force myself back to health again. Each time I became the pursuit of that, well, I crumbled under the unbearable heat of impatience that seems to boil up from under the surface. And looking around the room, there is no one I can take it out on either. No one to blame. And hey, no one or nothing around me to distract myself with for a moment so that an exhale can escape my lips.

Nope. Not this time. No sanity will be found on the outside. This is an inside job. And I thought I had it all figured out. This spiritual side of myself. I have, parts of it should I say. And then there is always more, right? Life has given me twenty four weeks of ‘quality’ time with me, myself and I. The process has been undeniably unpredictable, and an animal of something bigger than my own will and my own sense of knowing.

I know that something bigger is happening. Its simply palpable. I feel it running through my veins. An upgrade maybe? A new platform right before me. Its like my unconscious, my subconscious and my spirit collaborated on this called timed-out period. Like they conspired months before this moment, behind my back. ‘Surprise!’ I can see them yelling out from under a disguise, and disappearing all giggly behind my back…

A period of contemplation, of going IN and bringing forth a message of something deep inside that’s meant to be in the light. Yup, there has been many ‘aha’ moments like that in this period. They usually show up when I split myself in two enduring yet another breaking point. The moment my ego finally burns to ashes. Been lit on fire by the deeper forces of my soul spilling forth with conviction. Over powering my once powerful ego. Watching parts of myself been blown away by the wind. Do i chase after it? I feel so exposed, naked and, oh so lost. Listening to the clock ticking against the wall, enveloped by darkness, and the loud sound of silence. And in between the silence, sounds of life, just outside that wall. So close yet so very far.

A new fragment of my soul has arrived. A few maybe. And its like my physical body is crashing while all new parts of me arrive, all trying to find their way into this vehicle. Oh so little space…

And as I'm delving deeper into this void, surrendering day by day, I realize, there’s truly no other option, other than the big S word. SURRENDER. Well there is, but that one causes more pain. Placing pain on top of physical pain, well, that’s not truly my thing. Yes maybe i can tolerate a lot of pain, and that doesn't mean I have to purposefully create more through my resistance of what is.

I reach many still points in my day to day. Lying on my back, somewhere in my apartment, and listen. Its like I've memorized each sound I hear outside by now. It’s a symphony. Music to my ears. And feeling this gentle breeze reminds me of life, the memory of life with the energy it carries. A reminder that this all is just temporary. And even though it feels at moments it’s a never ending game I’m forcing to play, this too shall pass. Am I being forced or invited? Ah, depends on whether a part of me is judging, or a better part merely receiving the experience.

Just like every other uncomfortable situation I’ve had in my life, everything in life is temporary. Like the scenes of a movie passing on the TV screen, one by one, this too is just a chapter or even only a few pages in the story of my life. Not that I want to wish it all away, like i did two years ago when preparing for back surgery. No, this time I'm choosing for it to be different. This time I am shifting this, No quick fix, no checking out of my body. No numbing myself out from feeling the pain, or listening to my heart or my emotions. A quick fix will just bring on another time like this, in the near future.

Yeah I know this can be a gift, if I can remember that it is. It might sound cliche, and maybe it is and its true though. It’s not something that happened to me, but more so something i’m meant to experience. That feels lighter. That I can handle. And no, its not like I did anything wrong, that made this happen.

What if I did something right, so this is happening? I can see the gift, when and only when my ego is quiet. I continue putting a leash on that puppy. There were days though when it had me hanging from the ceiling. Just being its slave to it. Luckily those moments didn't last too long, And i dusted myself of, straightened out my clothes, brushed my hair, splashed water on my face, and faced yet another day.

How long will it take? As long as it takes. Can I hope for it to be over soon? Absolutely. Can I find deep fulfillment here? Can I be pissed of and as why? YES!

And so we look ahead into the dark with no sense of where the road might lead. Knowing that the end is near, and the beginning of something spectacular is just beyond. And ‘the beyond’ even closer once accepting what is.

love

My night was long. I was lying awake, consciously drifting in time and space from one reality to another. As if I were asleep. This time though I was somewhat conscious. Drifting in and out of consciousness. Just barely conscious yet enough to know that I was. I had glimpses of my mind talking, demanding I try and get some sleep for the day will bring things that would demand my energy, my brain power and my physical strength.

Those whispers were soft, too soft. I didn’t obey.

I felt like drifting, surrendering into the vast deep layers of my unconscious and continue my watch seeing where it was guiding me to. I did eventually fell asleep. I know that much because I ‘woke up’ a couple of hours earlier than I set my alarm for. I glided out of bed, surprisingly treading on clouds. A soft landing. Did I land? I barely felt the floor under my feet.

I enjoyed my usual morning routine, spent a moment outside breathing in the fresh air. I watched my cat jumped onto a tree scratching his nails on the bark. After standing there half awake, I gazed down to check in with myself. Yup, today something is different, I affirmed. I felt light. Like I woke up and it was my birthday. Last time I checked I don't recall been born on this day. So what is it then, I wondered? I understand now the meaning of when people say ‘something is in the air’ because something was in the air! The question is WHAT?

Puzzled I turned around and made my way to the kitchen for some coffee. It distracted me a moment from my quest to find this very important answer. After that I got on with my day. My day got busy still, even through my doings this feeling stayed. Nothing I did took it away. It actually got stronger as the day went on. When I got home I made my way to my bedroom. I nestled myself into bed.

The blankets felt extra soft and caressed my body perfectly. White linen sheets and pillows all around me. I sunk even deeper into my bed as I realized I have absolutely nothing else to do. Ofcourse I forgot at the time that if I were to stop the DOINGS the messages from my heart would spiral louder. What is this feeling? I need to know. It’s so familiar. It’s so intoxicating. I don't want to rid myself of it. I just want to understand what it is. I love it so. Maybe I love it too much.

Is that what is going on here, I thought to myself? The high I felt from it, was so addictive that I could see myself getting lost in it. Vanished into a portal of bliss. Without any boundaries or structure. Turned liquid and lost all form and space. And then there it was. The answer I have been calling for. In search of from the moment I set foot outside my bed. You haunted and teased me, I passionately responded.

I now welcome you back into my life. I am sorry I have asked you to leave for a while. I had to, to survive this life on my quest of healing a broken heart. I am asking you now to unpack your bags. Make yourself comfortable for a long long stay. I missed you so. More than you would ever know. And you simply must understand, I needed to be without you for a little while. I feel the beauty of the gift you offer me. Fill me from my crown to my toe. I am ready. I am ready. I AM READY. You may enter me. Forever more. I am completing my cycle in the absence of you.

I believe they call you the energy of LOVE.

Journey into breathwork

I've come to realize that most people that get introduced to Breath work begins to shift their lives in a more positive, higher vibrational direction. Magic begins to happen. When I started my journey with breath work about 7 years ago, I was pretty miserable and stuck in my life. Many scary shifts were taking place, and all I wanted to do was run away. Back to South Africa! It felt like 'the right thing' to do at the time.

And later I realized that I wanted to run away from my life and go back to a time when things were better. It just seemed impossible for me to find stability and joy then and it felt super scary. I was so wrong.

After a few months of moving through a phase that was probably the biggest shift in my life to date, and I have had quite a few, I landed in this particular breath work class, with this particular teacher, David Elliott, that was about to change my life forever.

Little did I knew then what I was getting myself into. That my life was about to take a 180 degree shift!

I have seen this now, in my life, and others around me, over and over again. We meet or sometimes even crash into a person, or a place, or an experience, when we are in most need of it. At a time when our life needed to be shaken up, and we needed to shift direction, sometimes rapidly.

Well, this was about to go down. It was around Feb 2010.

We sat in a very big circle, and one by one we said our name, and our intention for the evening, before we were to lay down, and to this breath work thing. It was my turn to speak, and as I started, something strange happened. I looked over at the teacher, and there was a comfort, and a familiarity. Like we have done this for many many years together in the past.

I remembered cracking a joke, and laughing while talking. I was so comfortable speaking that night, in front of so many strangers, like they were all my best friends. And little did I knew that they all were about to become my best friends. I was there, by no accident I came to realize the next day.

We started our breath work journey, and something began moving through me. My mind was literally blown away by this experience. I didn't understood it at the time. And of course I wont, as I was trying to figure it out from my limited mind space at the time. I didn't feel safe to allow myself to surrender control. I did that once, about 5 years prior in a meditation, and left my body, and it took me about a week to ground. I got so freaked out, and didn't know what was going on.

After the breath work ended and made my way up to a seated position, I just sat there for a moment. I didn't know what had just happened, and I knew at the time that I wanted more. That I discovered something I didn't knew excited, and all of a sudden I knew I couldn't live without it. I signed up for a training that next day, and came in for it the following week. It was a two day training, that felt like a month.

I used to laugh a lot during the years saying to people that David has a way of bending time. It's true. He makes time stand still.

What I walked away with after those 2 days, was more I could digest, grasp, and even begin to write about here. More than I have ever experienced at the time in my whole existence in this life. I knew that life was different. I was different. And It will never be the same again. I have tasted something I wanted more of, and more and more.

What was that? Oh, I realized, it was ME. It's my beingness. My soul. My heart. It's the energy of love that sits deep within my heart. It's the most TRUEST form of me. It's the part of me I have given up a long time ago, to survive, to feel safe, and to protect myself. Since then I have taken every training, and retreat for about 7 years and counting. I fully immersed myself into the work, into myself, and into the deeper parts of life.

Shedding layer and layer of falsities to discover the light, the healer, the messenger, and the specialness of my being.

And all of a sudden, EVERYTHING shifted.

I signed up for a trip to Tuscany Italy right after the first training, and I went by myself with this group of amazing new friends. I have never spent money on myself, and never so much! I stepped out of a long time relationship, and had no idea how i was going to survive, on all levels. Financially, in solitude, without my partner, needing to do everything for myself, by myself, with myself. THE thing I was trying to avoid my whole life.

Because I never truly knew at the time, I existed, unless someone was able to validate my existence, literally that I existed, or see my value, or see I am lovable, or to keep me safe. The next 7 years has taken me or journeys inside myself that I never thought possible. I discovered my body, that it is safe to live inside it.

I discovered mother earth. That she is here for nourishment and protection. I discovered wisdom inside me that is not from this time. That I have so much to share. That there are people out there that are in need of what I have to offer. That I am a messenger. A teacher. A mentor. That I can channel write. That I am an artist. I've discovered that living by myself, in solitude, is pure empowerment, liberation, and magical.

Getting to a point in my life when I have less of a NEED for anything outside myself, to be happy, is the most powerful gift I could ever gifted myself. I grew into myself. And discover a deeper truth that all I needed, is already inside myself. That I am badass, and spending time with myself is the biggest gift I can ever give myself.

I grew into a teacher that teaches from life experience, more than from a book or a training. And yes, I've done plenty of those too. I've learnt that it's ok to love myself, and to do nice things for myself. I've learnt that it's safe to let others see me. That I can begin to accept who I am, and then allow others to be who they are. I've learnt it is safe for me to speak my truth, and to share wisdoms with others.

I have learnt that everything I see, judge, or love in another, is how I feel and what I see about myself. I have learnt that everything in my life is a mirror. And how I respond to it, is a great indication of where I am at with it, in my own life. I have learnt its ok to open my heart, and allow others to love me, and to receive support. To ask for what I want. I have learnt to surrender into uncertainty, into the unknown, into the mystery.

I have learnt to tap into my innate intuition, to listen, to feel, and to trust that part of myself more than my my mind.

I discovered that I can liberate myself from my own suffering, let go of old energies, and traumas. To heal. That myself and others.

I have discovered that I am safe in this life. That I can let others in, and let them truly see me. Hear me, and feel me. Throughout all my discoveries, I have noticed that people, students and clients have gravitated towards me, who need healing, information, guidance, wisdom, inspiration and simply love. Particularly around the topics and themes I have had intimate healing experiences around. Yes, we are all mirrors of each other.

And I have discovered the immense feeling of being high on life, when I can share healing space, or wisdom, or be a mirror for someone, and how it can change their lives, and how my life, and what I have gone through, has been so incredibly worth it, because when I become a witness of this alchemy in others, and see others shift, it shift something in me to.

And then being a witness of joy, and love spreading through my being. That is so immense, so powerful, and so radical.

Because being a witness, and having this feeling rushing through my being, is more powerful than anything I have ever experienced in my life. When love re-awakens, and pulse through your body, you begin to feel alive once more.

The journey continues. The unfolding of brilliance is unfolding in each one of us on this planet. Sometimes we have to get pushed, to begin to wake up, to discover, to remember, to allow, to shift, and in the end, we look back with a big smile and a heart full of love. This year has been unpredictable. It is a year of new beginnings.

Daily life pushes us to say yes to the new, the unchartered, the unspoken, the unknown. So we can expand more into ourselves. So we can remember our divinity. That we already are badass. Just need to strip the structures, and the limited belief systems, and small minded existence we choose to live in. To see it.

This all because of BREATH WORK.

I met my teacher. I met myself. And now I get to meet YOU! I am grateful for my journey. For each one I get to meet and share a moment with. To be a beacon, a mirror, a guide, a friend, a lover, a teacher... and a space holder for magic. Wanna be part of this revolution consciously that is already happening inside you? Meet me in a yoga class, or breath work class, or for a personal one-on-one healing session.

Journey into breathwork

I've come to realize that most people that get introduced to Breath work begins to shift their lives in a more positive, higher vibrational direction. Magic begins to happen. When I started my journey with breath work about 7 years ago, I was pretty miserable and stuck in my life. Many scary shifts were taking place, and all I wanted to do was run away. Back to South Africa! It felt like 'the right thing' to do at the time.

And later I realized that I wanted to run away from my life and go back to a time when things were better. It just seemed impossible for me to find stability and joy then and it felt super scary.
I was so wrong.

After a few months of moving through a phase that was probably the biggest shift in my life to date, and I have had quite a few, I landed in this particular breath work class, with this particular teacher, David Elliott, that was about to change my life forever.

Little did I knew then what I was getting myself into.
That my life was about to take a 180 degree shift!

I have seen this now, in my life, and others around me, over and over again. We meet or sometimes even crash into a person, or a place, or an experience, when we are in most need of it. At a time when our life needed to be shaken up, and we needed to shift direction, sometimes rapidly.

Well, this was about to go down. It was around Feb 2010.

We sat in a very big circle, and one by one we said our name, and our intention for the evening, before we were to lay down, and to this breath work thing. It was my turn to speak, and as I started, something strange happened. I looked over at the teacher, and there was a comfort, and a familiarity. Like we have done this for many many years together in the past.

I remembered cracking a joke, and laughing while talking. I was so comfortable speaking that night, in front of so many strangers, like they were all my best friends. And little did I knew that they all were about to become my best friends. I was there, by no accident I came to realize the next day.

We started our breath work journey, and something began moving through me. My mind was literally blown away by this experience. I didn't understood it at the time. And of course I wont, as I was trying to figure it out from my limited mind space at the time. I didn't feel safe to allow myself to surrender control. I did that once, about 5 years prior in a meditation, and left my body, and it took me about a week to ground. I got so freaked out, and didn't know what was going on.

After the breath work ended and made my way up to a seated position, I just sat there for a moment. I didn't know what had just happened, and I knew at the time that I wanted more. That I discovered something I didn't knew excited, and all of a sudden I knew I couldn't live without it.
I signed up for a training that next day, and came in for it the following week. It was a two day training, that felt like a month.

I used to laugh a lot during the years saying to people that David has a way of bending time. It's true. He makes time stand still.

What I walked away with after those 2 days, was more I could digest, grasp, and even begin to write about here. More than I have ever experienced at the time in my whole existence in this life.
I knew that life was different. I was different. And It will never be the same again. I have tasted something I wanted more of, and more and more.

What was that? Oh, I realized, it was ME. It's my beingness. My soul. My heart. It's the energy of love that sits deep within my heart. It's the most TRUEST form of me. It's the part of me I have given up a long time ago, to survive, to feel safe, and to protect myself. Since then I have taken every training, and retreat for about 7 years and counting. I fully immersed myself into the work, into myself, and into the deeper parts of life.

Shedding layer and layer of falsities to discover the light, the healer, the messenger, and the specialness of my being.

And all of a sudden, EVERYTHING shifted.

I signed up for a trip to Tuscany Italy right after the first training, and I went by myself with this group of amazing new friends. I have never spent money on myself, and never so much! I stepped out of a long time relationship, and had no idea how i was going to survive, on all levels. Financially, in solitude, without my partner, needing to do everything for myself, by myself, with myself. THE thing I was trying to avoid my whole life.

Because I never truly knew at the time, I existed, unless someone was able to validate my existence, literally that I existed, or see my value, or see I am lovable, or to keep me safe.
The next 7 years has taken me or journeys inside myself that I never thought possible. I discovered my body, that it is safe to live inside it.

I discovered mother earth. That she is here for nourishment and protection. I discovered wisdom inside me that is not from this time. That I have so much to share. That there are people out there that are in need of what I have to offer. That I am a messenger. A teacher. A mentor. That I can channel write. That I am an artist. I've discovered that living by myself, in solitude, is pure empowerment, liberation, and magical.

Getting to a point in my life when I have less of a NEED for anything outside myself, to be happy, is the most powerful gift I could ever gifted myself. I grew into myself. And discover a deeper truth that all I needed, is already inside myself. That I am badass, and spending time with myself is the biggest gift I can ever give myself.

I grew into a teacher that teaches from life experience, more than from a book or a training. And yes, I've done plenty of those too. I've learnt that it's ok to love myself, and to do nice things for myself. I've learnt that it's safe to let others see me. That I can begin to accept who I am, and then allow others to be who they are. I've learnt it is safe for me to speak my truth, and to share wisdoms with others.

I have learnt that everything I see, judge, or love in another, is how I feel and what I see about myself. I have learnt that everything in my life is a mirror. And how I respond to it, is a great indication of where I am at with it, in my own life. I have learnt its ok to open my heart, and allow others to love me, and to receive support. To ask for what I want. I have learnt to surrender into uncertainty, into the unknown, into the mystery.

I have learnt to tap into my innate intuition, to listen, to feel, and to trust that part of myself more than my my mind.

I discovered that I can liberate myself from my own suffering, let go of old energies, and traumas. To heal. That myself and others.

I have discovered that I am safe in this life. That I can let others in, and let them truly see me. Hear me, and feel me. Throughout all my discoveries, I have noticed that people, students and clients have gravitated towards me, who need healing, information, guidance, wisdom, inspiration and simply love. Particularly around the topics and themes I have had intimate healing experiences around. Yes, we are all mirrors of each other.

And I have discovered the immense feeling of being high on life, when I can share healing space, or wisdom, or be a mirror for someone, and how it can change their lives, and how my life, and what I have gone through, has been so incredibly worth it, because when I become a witness of this alchemy in others, and see others shift, it shift something in me to.

And then being a witness of joy, and love spreading through my being. That is so immense, so powerful, and so radical.

Because being a witness, and having this feeling rushing through my being, is more powerful than anything I have ever experienced in my life. When love re-awakens, and pulse through your body, you begin to feel alive once more.

The journey continues. The unfolding of brilliance is unfolding in each one of us on this planet. Sometimes we have to get pushed, to begin to wake up, to discover, to remember, to allow, to shift, and in the end, we look back with a big smile and a heart full of love.
This year has been unpredictable. It is a year of new beginnings.

Daily life pushes us to say yes to the new, the unchartered, the unspoken, the unknown. So we can expand more into ourselves. So we can remember our divinity. That we already are badass. Just need to strip the structures, and the limited belief systems, and small minded existence we choose to live in. To see it.

This all because of BREATH WORK. 

I met my teacher. I met myself. And now I get to meet YOU!
I am grateful for my journey. For each one I get to meet and share a moment with. 
To be a beacon, a mirror, a guide, a friend, a lover, a teacher... and a space holder for magic.
Wanna be part of this revolution consciously that is already happening inside you? 
Meet me in a yoga class, or breath work class, or for a personal one-on-one healing session.

Slowing down

I have been sitting with so much resistance as to allow myself to be and show up in a way that is needed for my soul. Since I have been back from South Africa, I have been wanting to go on my usual routine, like it used to be before I travelled home. And I promised myself before I left for SA, that this time it would be different. This time SA won’t mess with my head, or my emotions. No, I am solid in my feeling and how I do life in LA.

Silly of me to think that such a big trip won’t influence me in any way. Who am I to try and go against what my soul is asking me for? i get influenced. yup.   That is what happens to me on a daily basis. I get so absorbed with the moment, my surroundings, and the people I am with, that I forget all about my path, or my previous commitment, or dream, or intention. Where do I go?   The ‘I’ simply disappears, dissolving into its surroundings. And then all of a sudden I am on a new path, and a new pursuit.  

Then as I walk on this new path, into a whole new direction, something at one point make me stop. In that moment, as I take stock of the happenings of my life, I realize, oh. Wait. Wasn’t there something I wanted to do, then? Was that dream I had just last month not important anymore? Oh. Now that I think about it, it actually still is. Now what? I ask myself. Where do I go from here?

I am halfway on my way navigating South, and I also, not long ago was halfway navigating North. And my passion lies in both directions. And no, as much as I have tried it over and over again, I am not able to navigate both. Yes, I guess I am human after all.   And so this confusion has me paralyzed, and then my ability to move forward has left the building. And here we are. On a pause. Then my mind decides to take over and run the show.

My mind keeps tugging on this idea that I need to DO something. What? I would ask it. I am at a crossroad. Anything! it would insist. And so I would get up, and start DOING. Then stop, because I can’t focus. Then force myself again, then stop. Tick Tock… hours later, watching the sun vanishing over the horizon, and nothing has been accomplished. And I have been busy. Super busy. With what?   I simply can’t answer that.

Nothing, yet everything. Walking circles around myself. Running into myself. Voices and stories circling over and over in my mind. I should….. I must…… I can’t….. I don’t know…..   What is the chase? I ask myself.   What would it take for me to stop. To slow down. To sit. And be. Watch. Feel. Allow.   Once I feel that connection to God, then, I take this long beautiful exhale. And I feel my nervous system relaxes a bit. It is then that I look up, and see the beauty of this day.

The birds singing in my garden. The energy pulsing through my body. And then as I begin to feel this beauty. I discover my heart is actually quite open.   I sometimes forget how much I actually accomplish and do in a day. More than most. What would happen if I were to loosen my grip on this need to DO and control every second of my day? What if i can choose consciously to do less, and get more things done? What if I have been going about it all wrong?

What if being, will allow me to then get to do the things that is of most important? I get to be with my soul for a bit. Then listen to what she has to say. To then move from that place of connection, purpose and clarity. My mind is constantly receiving information. It is hard to keep up with it, with myself in that way. It seems crucial I get a grip on it, and slow it down. Daily, or I continue running circles around myself.

And yes, information something through it is quite genius, and important. yet I am only human. I need to slow it down. Let my soul tell me in which direction to direct my life into. So the magic can begins.   Getting quiet to listen. Getting quiet to discover the best path.

Getting quiet to allow myself to experience the magic of each moment.

Love

My night was long. I was lying awake, consciously drifting in time and space from one reality to another. As if I were asleep. This time though I was somewhat conscious. Drifting in and out of consciousness. Just barely conscious yet enough to know that I was. I had glimpses of my mind talking, demanding I try and get some sleep for the day will bring things that would demand my energy, my brain power and my physical strength.

Those whispers were soft, too soft. I didn’t obey.

I felt like drifting, surrendering into the vast deep layers of my unconscious and continue my watch seeing where it was guiding me to. I did eventually fell asleep. I know that much because I ‘woke up’ a couple of hours earlier than I set my alarm for. I glided out of bed, surprisingly treading on clouds. A soft landing. Did I land? I barely felt the floor under my feet.

I enjoyed my usual morning routine, spent a moment outside breathing in the fresh air. I watched my cat jumped onto a tree scratching his nails on the bark. After standing there half awake, I gazed down to check in with myself. Yup, today something is different, I affirmed. I felt light. Like I woke up and it was my birthday. Last time I checked I don't recall been born on this day. So what is it then, I wondered? I understand now the meaning of when people say ‘something is in the air’ because something was in the air! The question is WHAT?

Puzzled I turned around and made my way to the kitchen for some coffee. It distracted me a moment from my quest to find this very important answer. After that I got on with my day. My day got busy still, even through my doings this feeling stayed. Nothing I did took it away. It actually got stronger as the day went on. When I got home I made my way to my bedroom. I nestled myself into bed.

The blankets felt extra soft and caressed my body perfectly. White linen sheets and pillows all around me. I sunk even deeper into my bed as I realized I have absolutely nothing else to do. Ofcourse I forgot at the time that if I were to stop the DOINGS the messages from my heart would spiral louder. What is this feeling? I need to know. It’s so familiar. It’s so intoxicating. I don't want to rid myself of it. I just want to understand what it is. I love it so. Maybe I love it too much.

Is that what is going on here, I thought to myself? The high I felt from it, was so addictive that I could see myself getting lost in it. Vanished into a portal of bliss. Without any boundaries or structure. Turned liquid and lost all form and space.  And then there it was. The answer I have been calling for. In search of from the moment I set foot outside my bed. You haunted and teased me, I passionately responded.

I now welcome you back into my life. I am sorry I have asked you to leave for a while. I had to, to survive this life on my quest of healing a broken heart. I am asking you now to unpack your bags. Make yourself comfortable for a long long stay. I missed you so. More than you would ever know. And you simply must understand, I needed to be without you for a little while. I feel the beauty of the gift you offer me. Fill me from my crown to my toe. I am ready. I am ready. I AM READY. You may enter me. Forever more. I am completing my cycle in the absence of you.

I believe they call you the energy of LOVE.

Surrender or loose

It has been a while since I've written anything and my desire to write is strong. I realize the thing I resist most is the thing that will bring me most joy, and enhance my life. So what makes it so hard then to proceed? Is it doubt? Is it my ego that desires to keep me busy with unfulfilling things? Is it the knowing that I might stumble upon things hidden, that who knows, might cause pain once I bring it back up into my consciousness? 

The life under the conscious life intrigues me. And I know I spend many hours there, yet the memories and discoveries of it stays hidden as my mind is just too occupied with DOING life. 

Its been exactly five weeks since I've driven a car, taught a yoga class, and doing the usual things I do during my day. If somebody would've told me I’d be away from life outside this head of mine for five weeks when this started, well, I would've simply replied with a rude remark of control and say NO way will i ever do that! This will be a quick fix. I will think myself healthy. Well so I thought anyway…

And so my forceful ‘will’ has learnt that it can’t force myself back to health again. Each time I became the pursuit of that, well, I crumbled under the unbearable heat of impatience that seems to boil up from under the surface. And looking around the room, there is no one I can take it out on either. No one to blame. And hey, no one or nothing around me to distract myself with for a moment so that an exhale can escape my lips.

Nope. Not this time. No sanity will be found on the outside. This is an inside job. And I thought I had it all figured out. This spiritual side of myself. I have, parts of it should I say. And then there is always more, right? Life has given me twenty four weeks of ‘quality’ time with me, myself and I. The process has been undeniably unpredictable, and an animal of something bigger than my own will and my own sense of knowing. 

I know that something bigger is happening. Its simply palpable. I feel it running through my veins. An upgrade maybe? A new platform right before me. Its like my unconscious, my subconscious and my spirit collaborated on this called timed-out period. Like they conspired months before this moment, behind my back. ‘Surprise!’ I can see them yelling out from under a disguise, and disappearing all giggly behind my back…

A period of contemplation, of going IN and bringing forth a message of something deep inside that’s meant to be in the light. Yup, there has been many ‘aha’ moments like that in this period. They usually show up when I split myself in two enduring yet another breaking point. The moment my ego finally burns to ashes. Been lit on fire by the deeper forces of my soul spilling forth with conviction. Over powering my once powerful ego. Watching parts of myself been blown away by the wind. Do i chase after it? I feel so exposed, naked and, oh so lost. Listening to the clock ticking against the wall, enveloped by darkness, and the loud sound of silence. And in between the silence, sounds of life, just outside that wall. So close yet so very far. 

A new fragment of my soul has arrived. A few maybe. And its like my physical body is crashing while all new parts of me arrive, all trying to find their way into this vehicle. Oh so little space…

And as I'm delving deeper into this void, surrendering day by day, I realize, there’s truly no other option, other than the big S word. SURRENDER. Well there is, but that one causes more pain. Placing pain on top of physical pain, well, that’s not truly my thing. Yes maybe i can tolerate a lot of pain, and that doesn't mean I have to purposefully create more through my resistance of what is. 

I reach many still points in my day to day. Lying on my back, somewhere in my apartment, and listen. Its like I've memorized each sound I hear outside by now. It’s a symphony. Music to my ears. And feeling this gentle breeze reminds me of life, the memory of life with the energy it carries. A reminder that this all is just temporary. And even though it feels at moments it’s a never ending game I’m forcing to play, this too shall pass. Am I being forced or invited? Ah, depends on whether a part of me is judging, or a better part merely receiving the experience. 

Just like every other uncomfortable situation I’ve had in my life, everything in life is temporary. Like the scenes of a movie passing on the TV screen, one by one, this too is just a chapter or even only a few pages in the story of my life. Not that I want to wish it all away, like i did two years ago when preparing for back surgery. No, this time I'm choosing for it to be different. This time I am shifting this, No quick fix, no checking out of my body. No numbing myself out from feeling the pain, or listening to my heart or my emotions. A quick fix will just bring on another time like this, in the near future. 

Yeah I know this can be a gift, if I can remember that it is. It might sound cliche, and maybe it is and its true though. It’s not something that happened to me, but more so something i’m meant to experience. That feels lighter. That I can handle. And no, its not like I did anything wrong, that made this happen. 

What if I did something right, so this is happening? I can see the gift, when and only when my ego is quiet. I continue putting a leash on that puppy. There were days though when it had me hanging from the ceiling. Just being its slave to it. Luckily those moments didn't last too long, And i dusted myself of, straightened out my clothes, brushed my hair, splashed water on my face, and faced yet another day. 

How long will it take? As long as it takes. 
Can I hope for it to be over soon? Absolutely. 
Can I find deep fulfillment here? 
Can I be pissed of and as why? YES! 

And so we look ahead into the dark with no sense of where the road might lead. 
Knowing that the end is near, and the beginning of something spectacular is just beyond. 
And ‘the beyond’ even closer once accepting what is. 

Power

The ego that drives a person with false power is an interesting thing. In my personal experience in my own evolution of becoming a powerful woman in this world, I notice the times I'm not in my full capacity of power, some feel it ok to abuse their power onto me. This energy is not visible with the naked eye, but it's palpable in the air and exists between the spoken word and action.

Its like I'm asked to continually stand in my power, or I'll be shown the places in my life where I have the tendency to give it up. And it just fascinates me how another layer of personality can immerse from the one I see in front of me, than a day earlier when I showed up differently. This the one that is mirroring my lack of owning myself in that moment.

And so as I'm witnessing this whole thing go down - in silence - I noticed I've lost my ability to climb out of that energy - and it feels suffocating. And I have momentarily lost my ability to speak from my heart. Or speak period as this energy has taken over and is now running the show.

How is this familiar? Yes very. It's a great opportunity to say NO! And simply walk away.

What a great lesson this person was, standing before me. Watching each verbal expression, each act of self centeredness and lack of intimate connection. Like it was he/her right to show up less than impeccable with action and word. The equality is not valued in our momentary interaction.

Is it him/her to blame? Is it I to blame? No one to blame...

The focus not so much on 'who' but rather 'why'. Im learning to be a witness of these moments and notice where I go, so I can learn more about who I am. And perhaps next time intuit it faster and perhaps choose to change the way I show up. Or better yet, don't be around and stop creating this dynamic in the first place.

This another moment in time I can file in my study around energy and the dynamics of people. And how our past can still run us unconsciously, and better yet, how we can begin to wake up and choose differently.

I feel everything. For a long time I felt it a curse, and today it gives me this opportunity to uncover the truth faster as it's rare that someone can hide their true self to me in this way. An opportunity through which I can then choose to extract myself out of and eliminate unnecessary suffering.

It's called transformation.
 

Dissolving the need for Structure

I used to be very structured in my teaching and felt the need to stay in perfect form throughout my class. Teach from the foundation, explaining each point in the process, and don't leave anything out. And I love that I have the ability to teach in this way. That I can perhaps give those who live without structure, more structure. Those who need foundation , more foundation, because their heads are in the clouds and they simply can't access all their gifts and channel it into this life. Because they are not really 'here' earthed into reality.

Structure was a place I felt safe in for most my life. I learnt structure from the one I've been mostly exposed to in my life, my mom. Who else? Isn't that what we do? We look around, and adapt, grab things from life around us, suit up, and make it our own.

Our framework. Our environment is what we eventually embody. I looked up to her in many ways. Respected? Not sure. Feared maybe more true for me. And so it came with no surprise that I chose the exact imprint of that energy, in a mentor. Annie carpenter. If you would look up structure , effectiveness, and strive for perfection, you would find a picture of Annie. Having a dancing background and strict militant background, she used that same energy in her teachings.

So as much as some of it felt mean, strict, and scary, it also felt very familiar. Let me find another woman to tell me where I'm not perfect enough. How I need to change and become BETTER. And then the rejection would cause me to strive for an even stronger need for perfection in myself. And the more I desperately try and reach that end goal, it kept itself just out of my reach. Always in the future. And in the present, how I'm showing up, is just not going to cut it!

After 500 hours and 1 year of assisting her classes, I finally woke up one day, and said. Wow. I have officially became another identical Annie! I cloned myself. I became the one I thought I needed to be, to be happy. I sounded just like her. And in that moment I also realized that I don't like who I have become! That's interesting in a not so funny way! That sucks. After all that hard work. Trying to become THAT. 'That' didn't seem that appealing anymore. Now what?!

My goal and achievement just didn't feel so good on the inside. A new identity I just didn't fit into very well. I felt restricted. Deeply unsatisfied and just not ME. Giving up ME so I can fit into society has been a constant unconscious goal of mine.

After sitting in this new ME for a bit I knew something had to change... It was then that I stopped pre-plan my classes. And began to trust that if I don't have to have it all figured out, I won't actually die. Of course going to class with an empty mind, felt like dying. Seriously. When we let go of the illusion around control, the need to know, and the need to perfect, and you begin to empty out. It feels like you are losing control! Like you are loosing your mind. Matter of fact. You are!!

And to top that, I had to grasp at a whole new identity. Who am I? Who do I want to be? That is the million dollar question! I will have to take another shot at it. Re-create the one inside. Re-claim maybe a bette word? 

I was determined that I want to learn what it means to trust myself! My own ability!! After many years, it was 4 at the time, of studying sequencing, working each one out, pose after pose, I got it down! That I can walk into a room, with an empty mind. And as I stood in front of that class, many eager eyes staring back at me. I would see a pose in my mind. And know. Ah! It's a backbend day. And so I would watch myself move through the darkness, the mystery, and see how each pose gets revealed to me, just in time, one after the other.

Without knowing where I'll be 2/3 poses down the line. And if I can fit it all in, in a one hour. Using all the elements around me, the illusion of time, music, pacing, reaction of students, or the lack of comprehension, or misalignment. There are many factors involved, that we as teachers have to be present with, and use as a creative journey for an hour. We dance through all that, and then to top that, move/teach without a clue on where this sequence and this class is going, even though a deeper part of me knew that the bigger 'I' knew exactly where I was going. TRUST is what I was learning then. 

In the trust something else begins to move me. I surrender. It's not me anymore. With that I mean 'my mind' is far away. There is a flow, grace, and precision with which I move. Something far better than I can ever try to perfect or try to copy or 'remember' mentally. It's like I can feel where the class is at, and what they need next, and how long they need it for. And that is a deeper sense of timing, without staring at the clock. 

And afterwards as I would walk out of the room, it felt like I was in a pure state of meditation. And in fact I was. If meditation is pure presence without the mind, then that was an hour of just that.

Then as I begin to gather myself, this my mind now, and trace back the steps of my class, I would see the most creative, smart, innovative sequence, breath, and all else. Now that was as close to perfection as one would get.

I am being guided. That is a truth I was learning then. I don't need 'to know' I just need to trust that in fact I already know!

I have always known.

Then the exhaustion of trying to remember a class mentally evaporates, and the excitement and creative force that guides me, fills me up till I feel literally high! Of course that feeling spills over onto my students. And hence the ability of creating and sharing a never-been-done-before class. I leave filled up and not depleted.

Depletion happens when my mind is super active, trying to remember a class, or stressing that I might forget.

Now I'm not saying structure is a bad thing or unnecessary. it's important. It's very important. When you have some form of structure, a space you feel safe in, you can surrender deep inside it, and start to flow...

A structure that perhaps is not an agenda from the mind, but something bigger. A connection with spirit. Let spirit hold the structure, so you then get to drop below the mind, and channel. The mystery and the darkness, the void is the fertile ground for 'birthing' your magic.

Do you dare to trust the mystery?

And your own abilities that live inside it?

My evolution as a teacher - Silence and Love

I thought about the class the whole day, and was quite nervous. Even though I've been teaching for many years, I still get nervous. I guess it keeps me humble! As I was sitting with this feeling today, I came to the conclusion to NOT teach for anyone else but myself. I reminded myself that I LOVE what I do. I will bring the love into it again. Love and fear can't co-exist in one place. Then I can remind myself that this is EASY and ENJOYABLE. 

With that intention, I brought a whole different energy into the room. Different from the nervous tension, and an old belief that I simply must show up PERFECTLY, for something outside of myself. That's just too exhausting to figure out. Instead I will hold on to my energy, and bring myself and my joy for teaching, into the room. And just let it flow. 

All I needed to do, was watch my students, experience them, and get consumed with the moment. If I were to try and teach for someone outside myself, my mind would be way too active. Like it was earlier in the day. And I would sound fake, or try too hard, or say too much, or make the class all about me. And honestly, class has got nothing to do with me. It's ALL about my students. That is where the attention needs to be. Not on me, looking all PERFECT. Whatever the hell than means anyway! 

As I taught class, I noticed that I really didn't need to say much. Because my ego was quiet, and it didn't tell me I need to DO MORE. I knew that, doing less, would then encourage my students to do more. I would empower them to find their own way. Let the music, the lightning, the ambiance, and the energy in the room be the container in which people can find their own way. My job is done. I showed up. That's it! 

The music moved me, and I felt like dancing. I noticed it in my students too. I knew that they were on their way. And who am I to disrupt their journey towards stillness of mind, by having too many things to say? That will take them out of their zone, and bring them back into their heads again. Isn't that what we are trying to get away from? I'm deeply spiritual, and I have never experienced a style of yoga that has the potential to be transformative and spiritual, yet enjoyable at the same time! 

Silence is the place for people to truly experience themselves, to GROW, and that for me is what yoga is all about. 

This is where I am learning to trust, and know it's already happening. I don't need to tell them how, or give them advice, heal or fix them. All I need to do is give them a container, then let them go and find their own way. If I were to talk too much, I would rob them of the gift of empowerment and finding their own way on the mat, and in their lives. Making them co-dependant on me, and others around. 

I've learnt this new way of teaching in the past 3 years. This from my spiritual teacher. "Stop trying so hard", he would tell me! The more we see our value, the less we feel the need to do, and proof, and explain, and show. We can just be. 

How awesome is that? 

That's why I love this style of teaching so much. It reminds me that I can do less. I can talk less. And I can leave class, feeling filled up. Why? Because I didn't use all my personal energy in class. Instead I stepped back. I cued a few things, I taught a flow or 3, and that's it. The rest is up to them... 

I have, and can talk a lot. Way too much in class. And it comes out in me, when I forget to trust myself and remember who I am. And tonight I remembered what I've learnt. I left, feeling high. Satisfied. Balanced. Energized. And felt proud of me. Not because I did it perfectly. But because I remembered to just be. And I remembered to let them just be (flow) on their own journey. 

I'm a spiritual teacher, and in my meditation classes I do talk more, this, because people are looking for guidance or advice in that class. I'm learning to only give advice or guidance when it's asked for. With the emphasis on learning. That's why I teach. To learn. Aren't we all?

 I look forward to experiencing you all in the room. We are visionaries that are re-creating the LA yoga scene, and it will directly impact our personal lives. It's all about trusting the silence... 

Remembering it speaks loudly! The silence is like a mothers womb. The dark mystery, the unknown, from which we birth a new (born) idea, or creation, or hear our intuition, or our next playlist. We can't hear without silence. 

Words is a tiny vehicle that carries information. Our energy, our body language, and our wisdom that we hold in our hearts are much bigger communicators. I'm learning to trust that. Allowing my ego to step out of the way... 

I love that I'm on this journey with you all. Be brilliant!! Love. xo m